Disclaimer: This post is simply to educate and entertain without any malice.  Any similiarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I am just exercising my First Amendment rights. (I had to state that per my lawyer). Personally, if any of the characters below describe you, I advise you to immediately seek professional help.

So here they are, the geniuses at the firm.  Believe it or not.

Firmprez — The Li’l Big Guy or the Big Li’l Guy.  However he’s viewed, he is smart to have built a profitable PR firm.  Unfortunately, he’s stuck reliving his glory days of the 80′s and haven’t moved forward in technology and ideas. I heard from a former I.T. guy that he finally had email installed in 2001.  Unforgettable comments: In 2007, firmprez said “people will not accept receiving their news via the Internet, and that the growth of online media is a fad.”  “No head of a PR firm actually tweets, someone else does it for them.”  Sent email to staff begging, “pls. feel free to read and comment on my blog” (which he started about 3 months ago).

The following are next in line at the firm. I refer to them as the UN-holy trinity since every time these three meet in private all hell breaks lose.

Big (literally) Boss — Feared for the weight s/he carries around at the firm. Big Boss has a nervous twitch that throws many people off.  Has a talent for making everyone around him/her feel so small (not just because of his/her size).  Classic comments: “Lie to a client if you have to. They’re paying a retainer!”  “Lie to the reporter about why client backed out of interview.”  Traumatized me when s/he used a pushpin to pick his/her teeth after devouring a mango with his/her bare hands.  S/he may have swallowed the skin and seed.

Ditzy Boss — To say Ditzy Boss is not the sharpest knife in the drawer is an insult to knives. On average, DB exclaims, “I’m Confused!” about five times a day.  Classic moment: DB’s desk is so messy that his/her phone was hidden under a stack of papers from 1995. When s/he was able to find the corded handset, she placed it in his/her ear and proceeded to press on his/her PC’s numeric keypad to make the call.  After a couple of minutes, he/she hollers, “what’s wrong with this darn phone?” Dumbest advice to client: “Open a twitter account and tweet about your company.” Open? It’s not a bank DB! Most memorable comment: “What’s social media?”

Phony Boss — I hardly tweet about phony boss because I avoid him/her like the plague. S/he’s the type to be pleasant to talk with and would think of as a friend, but behind you’re back s/he’ll stab you to death. Think Scream.  Classic employee advice: “If you do XYZ, you’ll be better at your job” really means “You’re fired in two weeks and we’re interviewing for your replacement as we speak.”  Phoniest client advice: “If you do XYZ, you’ll be on Oprah.” Client reply: “How many times have you gotten a client on Oprah?” PB: “That’s beside the point.” Way to spin it.

The supporting cast:

The Office Manager — Saves the firm about $500/year on office supplies.  Classic line: “How many pieces do you need?” when one asks for push pins. Has toilet paper locked in a cabinet. Orders receptionist to walk additional two blocks to buy milk to save a quarter. Kind to those s/he likes.

Boss — Not Bruce Springsteen, but a generic boss who pretty much has the role of being the firmprez’s bitch. He’s the guy who’s been with the company forever and everyone wonders what his role really is.  Stuck in a windowless office with only a staple gun to play with.  Constantly nervous.  He’s the guy who might snap and come in one day, not with a staple gun, but with a shot gun.  Totally clueless on anything to do with PR.

Co-workers — I love all of them! There are a couple with loose screws like the one who keeps barging into my office to ask how to save a Word doc. This is the same person who sent a tweet to herself/himself and wondered why s/he can’t gain any followers.

Me — I’m simply an observer of things that go on around me. I guess I’m just lucky or unlucky (depends on your perspective) that my office is situated where I see and hear these things transpire. Why am I still here you ask? Besides that it’s a recession, it’s fun to have a front row seat to a live sitcom. I’m living a real life reality show.  Make sense? Also, I’m learning so much here. It’s a simple yet winning strategy. When I start my own firm, all I have to do is do the exact opposite of what they do here and I’m guaranteed success.

Please feel free to vent about your PR firm, clients and reporters by emailing me at prdude@indefenseofpr.com.  Your rants will be treated as confidential.