In Defense of Public Relations

Since joining Twitter less than a year ago (pre-@aplusk), I’ve observed many new words being created using Twitter’s first two letters — TW.  I’ve always had a special affinity towards TW only because it’s the initials of Tiger Woods, but I digress.

The combined letters, T & W, are also used by many Twitter apps like Tweetie, Twitturly, Twitterrific, Twitpic, among many others to show that it’s somehow related to Twitter. Trust me, if you’re a dude hanging out with a bunch of non-twittering dudes, the last thing you want to say is, “I’m tweeting using twhirl & tweetie.” Hey, I get it, it’s a San Francisco company. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So here’s what I’ve come up with as my very own Twitter glossary of terms or Twitter slang, in short, Twang:

TWIT — One who tweets about everything that happens in their lives no matter how mundane. Sample tweets look like this: Ate at Taco Bell. Took a dump. Flushed toilet. Forgot to wipe ass.

NITWIT — What I’d call Ditzy Boss when DB starts tweeting. Seriously, Twitterers whose tweets indicate their IQ level is in the low double digits.

TWISTED — Tweets that are so insane that you can’t tell whether it’s a joke or if you should be calling 911 maybe even CTU.

TWYCHO — Taking TWISTED a step further. A twitterer whose obviously a perv. Also classified as a twitter stalker. You must immediately remove and block from your follower list. If persistent, call the authorities, or send message to @ev or @biz .

TWIVORCE — Two twitter friends who now have irreconcilable differences. They remove each other from their follow lists, but on occassion, goes directly to the other’s twitter feeds to see what they’re saying. One day, a twitterer will use twitter to serve divorce papers to his/her spouse in under 140 characters.

TWILO — A former hip Manhattan club where many NYC Twitterers used to partay before Twitter was invented. Today the NYC party animals are stuck at home staring at their twitter feeds taking care of the kids they had with their dance partners at the famed Manhattan night club. The only clubbing they do these days is with a golf club.

TWITCHICK — Self-explanatory for dudes, but proceed with caution because twitter profile pics can be enhanced or be an outright fake. Unfortunately, in twitter-verse you can never tell.

CELEBRITWITS — Not to be confused with CELEBUTWANTS like Paris Hilton who tweets as @babygirlparis. These are the celebs on Twitter who showcase their celeb status by only following a select few of their celeb friends while their followed by hundreds of thousands even millions. Many are classified as TWITS and NITWITS judging by their celebri-tweets. See above for definitions.

TWAB — Twitter Acronym Break. Introduced by @joeprguy for active twitterers to stop for a couple of minutes and define acronyms that Joe (aka “Mr. Check Out My Guns”) tweets. I thought it was a pointless exercise at first, but after a few times, I ended up thinking hard to find the right words that would fit perfectly for the acronym. It gets in your head like @oprah.

TWITCH — Means many things. The itch a twitterer gets when Twitter is down for more than a minute like when it’s down for it’s “so-called” maintenance. The witches at your job who’ve joined Twitter. Big (literally) boss nervous tick that throws people off.

TWIX — The official candy bar of Twitter.

I could think of many more, but I won’t have enough space in this post to keep you focused. And the more I think of new ones, the more I sound like my 3yo dudeling who calls his favorite pasta Twortellini.  I’m sure you can come up with others too. Please feel free to share your TWANGS with me.

Star date: -313650.7668061897

Whether you’re a trekkie or not, you’ve heard all of the famous lines from Star Trek through the decades. “Beam me up, Scottie.”  “Energize.” “Live Long and Prosper.” and probably the most famous of them all, “To boldly go where no man has gone before.”

I saw the new Star Trek last night and I have to say it lived up to expectations. J.J. Abrams, creator/director of many blockbuster movies including, Mission: Impossible III, and cult hit TV series, Lost, is a genius. He did a terrific job in delivering all the prequel story lines. It’s a must-see whether you like sci-fi flicks or not. If you don’t believe me, just view the trailer below:

What didn’t live up to expectations is the ongoing publicity blitz for the movie.  (Hey, you guys didn’t expect me to do a movie review here, right? It’s a PR blog).

For a new movie franchise with two young (and I say this in the most heterosexual way) hot, gorgeous guys helming the birth of the U.S.S. Enterprise, I am quite disappointed that Paramount decided to send Leonard Nimoy, the original Spock, as its pitch man for the movie.  Please don’t get me wrong. I love Nimoy, but probably not as much as Ann Curry of The Today Show as you’ll see in the clip below.

Nimoy’s Vulcan looks is aging.  He has lived long and prospered.  Yet apparently the PR folks at Paramount thought he still had enough juice to go on another tour in space, I mean, studios. Nimoy’s been beamed up on all morning shows, late night TV and everything in between. There is a disconnect between the movie and its publicity efforts, I must say.

If the new Star Trek movie was trying to breed and connect with a new generation of Star Trek fans, they’ve failed. My 15 year-old teen dudette asked who Nimoy was when he was being interviewed on one of the talk shows. Why Paramount’s PR pros decided against using Chris Pine, who plays the young virile James T. Kirk, and Zachary Quinto, the mature yet at times emotional, Spock, as spokespeople for the movie simply makes me wonder whether the PR profession will still be practiced in the 23rd century…I mean for the love of God, this is Sylar!

As Spock would say, “Illogical.”

I’m not talking about the novel by John Grisham, which starred Tom Cruise, in the screen adaptation.  As my anniversary date here approaches, I’ve decided it’s time to give my Twitter friends an inside look on where I get my material for my “dear firmprez and dear boss” tweets since many of you have asked.  Whether they are fact or fiction, I can’t confirm or deny.  I take the 5th!

Disclaimer: This post is simply to educate and entertain without any malice.  Any similiarity to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I am just exercising my First Amendment rights. (I had to state that per my lawyer). Personally, if any of the characters below describe you, I advise you to immediately seek professional help.

So here they are, the geniuses at the firm.  Believe it or not.

Firmprez — The Li’l Big Guy or the Big Li’l Guy.  However he’s viewed, he is smart to have built a profitable PR firm.  Unfortunately, he’s stuck reliving his glory days of the 80′s and haven’t moved forward in technology and ideas. I heard from a former I.T. guy that he finally had email installed in 2001.  Unforgettable comments: In 2007, firmprez said “people will not accept receiving their news via the Internet, and that the growth of online media is a fad.”  “No head of a PR firm actually tweets, someone else does it for them.”  Sent email to staff begging, “pls. feel free to read and comment on my blog” (which he started about 3 months ago).

The following are next in line at the firm. I refer to them as the UN-holy trinity since every time these three meet in private all hell breaks lose.

Big (literally) Boss — Feared for the weight s/he carries around at the firm. Big Boss has a nervous twitch that throws many people off.  Has a talent for making everyone around him/her feel so small (not just because of his/her size).  Classic comments: “Lie to a client if you have to. They’re paying a retainer!”  “Lie to the reporter about why client backed out of interview.”  Traumatized me when s/he used a pushpin to pick his/her teeth after devouring a mango with his/her bare hands.  S/he may have swallowed the skin and seed.

Ditzy Boss — To say Ditzy Boss is not the sharpest knife in the drawer is an insult to knives. On average, DB exclaims, “I’m Confused!” about five times a day.  Classic moment: DB’s desk is so messy that his/her phone was hidden under a stack of papers from 1995. When s/he was able to find the corded handset, she placed it in his/her ear and proceeded to press on his/her PC’s numeric keypad to make the call.  After a couple of minutes, he/she hollers, “what’s wrong with this darn phone?” Dumbest advice to client: “Open a twitter account and tweet about your company.” Open? It’s not a bank DB! Most memorable comment: “What’s social media?”

Phony Boss — I hardly tweet about phony boss because I avoid him/her like the plague. S/he’s the type to be pleasant to talk with and would think of as a friend, but behind you’re back s/he’ll stab you to death. Think Scream.  Classic employee advice: “If you do XYZ, you’ll be better at your job” really means “You’re fired in two weeks and we’re interviewing for your replacement as we speak.”  Phoniest client advice: “If you do XYZ, you’ll be on Oprah.” Client reply: “How many times have you gotten a client on Oprah?” PB: “That’s beside the point.” Way to spin it.

The supporting cast:

The Office Manager — Saves the firm about $500/year on office supplies.  Classic line: “How many pieces do you need?” when one asks for push pins. Has toilet paper locked in a cabinet. Orders receptionist to walk additional two blocks to buy milk to save a quarter. Kind to those s/he likes.

Boss — Not Bruce Springsteen, but a generic boss who pretty much has the role of being the firmprez’s bitch. He’s the guy who’s been with the company forever and everyone wonders what his role really is.  Stuck in a windowless office with only a staple gun to play with.  Constantly nervous.  He’s the guy who might snap and come in one day, not with a staple gun, but with a shot gun.  Totally clueless on anything to do with PR.

Co-workers — I love all of them! There are a couple with loose screws like the one who keeps barging into my office to ask how to save a Word doc. This is the same person who sent a tweet to herself/himself and wondered why s/he can’t gain any followers.

Me — I’m simply an observer of things that go on around me. I guess I’m just lucky or unlucky (depends on your perspective) that my office is situated where I see and hear these things transpire. Why am I still here you ask? Besides that it’s a recession, it’s fun to have a front row seat to a live sitcom. I’m living a real life reality show.  Make sense? Also, I’m learning so much here. It’s a simple yet winning strategy. When I start my own firm, all I have to do is do the exact opposite of what they do here and I’m guaranteed success.

Please feel free to vent about your PR firm, clients and reporters by emailing me at prdude@indefenseofpr.com.  Your rants will be treated as confidential.